DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
monday
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.