DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Body by Oreos
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.