dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Oh we’ve met.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.