DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Received some very disappointing news today
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace