dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I wish this was real life…
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.