Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]