@clichedout genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
@Ryan_Patricks *Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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@clichedout 
@Miss__Kitty__ Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
@Lisa_Bizzle Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
@BubblesnBooze It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
@SCbchbum A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
@iRowlf If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
@ChefRonSullivan I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
@cool_yeah_ok Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
@noog Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
@ThisOneSayz Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.