*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
FINE, I WON’T.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this