Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do