Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Netflix and awkward silence?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.