*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: