DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.