Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Nawvernburd

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

@sbellelauren

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

@SavageDabs69

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

@rachelle_mandik

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@bornmiserable

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

@Marcmywords2

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*