DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.


I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.


ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.


[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope


[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man


[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.


I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.


Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you



*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*