[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS