“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Where’s my employee discount too?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
And then there were 4
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.