Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My life in a nutshell
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles