Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
You Might Also Like
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
True freaking story!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…