Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.