Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You wish you had this many chins.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I have so many questions.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
That eye roll….
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever