dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.