Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
You Might Also Like
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79