dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: