Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
When someone trying to leave me
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones