Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Discuss
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.