Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…馃悤馃惥馃槄
You Might Also Like
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
4-year-old: What鈥檚 that?
Me: A vegetable you won鈥檛 like. If you don鈥檛 tell Mom, I鈥檒l take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You鈥檙e welcome, Serena! That鈥檚 what I do all day! Decide the winner of women鈥檚 tennis matches!!!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I can fix him.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn鈥檛 know either.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I鈥檓 not afraid to say it, I鈥檓 against problems.
What鈥檚 the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it鈥檚 not seven
absolute chaos
Guy who likes music
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it鈥檚 my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 馃ぃ
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger鈥檚 my middle name… unfortunately my first name鈥檚 stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet