DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.