dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…