Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
You Might Also Like
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.