I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.