@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

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@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@crunchenhanced

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

@wildethingy

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@Sophie2078

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.