Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
getting corrected
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.