dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.