[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
You Might Also Like
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training