[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
podcasts
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.