[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Not all heroes wear capes…
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect