Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Warm pools make me nervous.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.