@legsandsass

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

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@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@Samiam556

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

@

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.