@Reverend_Scott Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
@legsandsass Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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@Reverend_Scott 
@Boleyngirly I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
@ThisOneSayz Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
@Samiam556 Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
@KalvinMacleod Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
@_elvishpresley_ *CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
@shesananteater Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
@Reverend_Scott Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.