Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit