[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.