DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.