DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.