dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.