Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.