Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
man i love columbo
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
That took me a moment.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in