Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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My love language is hissing.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
who will stop them
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”