@HomeWithPeanut

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@BGH70

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

@simoncholland

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

@YosefJean111

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

@notfaizzy

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.