@TheAndrewNadeau ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
@HomeWithPeanut Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
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@TheAndrewNadeau 
@BGH70 On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
@hurlarious Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
@simoncholland This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
@Alex_N_Chains I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
@E_lok44 Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
@YosefJean111 Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
@notfaizzy If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
@70Ceeks I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
@GibJimson My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.