[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
You Might Also Like
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
My dad.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
#JohnTravolta
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk