*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”