DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
No, YOUR illiterate.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.