[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
j o i m p
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on