Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o鈥檆lock guys
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it鈥檚 the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU鈥橰E RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
What a kind woman! 馃槀馃槀
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes