dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m putting together a team
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?